Oh That Sibling Rivalry

The kids love to tease each other. One invariably pokes, provokes or pressures something that emotionally pushes all the buttons. A friend of mine always used to say, that your family always knows what to buttons to push because they put them there in the first place.

In an effort to try to regain the upper hand on this problem, I'm going to follow these rules from the Child Development Institute.

1. Don't make comparisons. ("I don't understand it. When Johnny was her age, he could already tie his shoes.") Each child feels he is unique and rightly so-he is unique, and he resents being evaluated only in relation to someone else. Instead of comparison, each child in the family should be given his own goals and levels of expectation that relate only to him.

2. Don't dismiss or suppress your children's resentment or angry feelings. Contrary to what many people think, anger is not something we should try to avoid at all costs. It's an entirely normal part of being human, and it's certainly normal for siblings to get furious with one another. They need the adults in their lives to assure them that mothers and fathers get angry, too, but have learned control and that angry feelings do not give license to behave in cruel and dangerous ways. This is the time to sit down, acknowledge the anger ("I know you hate David right now but you cannot hit him with a stick"). and talk it through.

3. Try to avoid situations that promote guilt in siblings. First we must teach children that feelings and actions are not synonymous. It may be normal to want to hit the baby on the head, but parents must stop a child from doing it. The guilt that follows doing something mean is a lot worse than the guilt of merely feeling mean. So parental intervention must be quick and decisive.

4. When possible, let brothers and sisters settle their own differences. Sounds good but it can be terribly unfair in practice. Parents have to judge when it is time to step in and mediate, especially in a contest of unequals in terms of strength and eloquence (no fair hitting below the belt literally or figuratively). Some long-lasting grudges among grown siblings have resulted when their minority rights were not protected.

...

Useful Books on Sibling Rivalry
(Available from Amazon.com)

Siblings Without Rivalry : How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too (an excellent resource for parents)

I'd Rather Have an Iguana (for children 4-6 having to cope with a new baby in the family)

Birth Order Blues : How Parents Can Help Their Children Meet the Challenges of Birth Order (The author raises parents' awareness of the impact of birth order upon children and suggests ways to resolve or circumvent potential problems relating to birth order issues).

Brothers and Sisters : Born to Bicker? (Teen Issues) (An intriguing entry in the Teen Issues series focuses on the interaction between brothers and sisters: ``The sibling relationship has much to do with how we feel about ourselves, as well as how we relate to others throughout our lives.")

Did you ever have a sibling rivalry? I know I used to have it with my sister. Though I don't think it was horrible. I will have to ask her about that.